


Reunions and revelations

by SpacePenguin11



Series: Sam and Rimmer [5]
Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Holographic things, I'm Bad At Tagging, Lister’s hungover, lovey dovey stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:41:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27961709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpacePenguin11/pseuds/SpacePenguin11
Summary: Sam is determined to do something nice for Lister, and Rimmer experiences an unexpected emotional breakdown.
Relationships: Arnold Rimmer/Samantha Simpson (OFC), Kristine Kochanski/Dave Lister
Series: Sam and Rimmer [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1275914
Comments: 4
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Lister/Kochanksi only if you squint really.

“You kills my brother.”

Sam awoke with a start. 

‘That was a pretty messed up dream,’ she thought.

‘I can’t remember ever having such a vivid dream. The voice sounded so real.

She threw her arm across to the other side of the bed and noticed the absence of her bedfellow.  
He usually always made sure he was back by the time she woke up.

Glancing across at the pink neon alarm clock on the table, she could see it was six am.  
No wonder she was alone in bed. Her normal waking time was about nine.

She felt slightly shaken up, but was perplexed at the fact that she couldn’t remember any details about her dream.

Grunting in frustration, she turned back over in preparation for sleep.

“You kills my brother.”

This time she shot up in bed. That hadn’t been a dream, she hadn’t been asleep.

With a shaking hand she reached out to turn on the bedside lamp.

A freakish looking metal robot was stood pointing a gun at her. He had a disturbing metal plate over one eye, with a creepy red led light in it.

“What the actual bloody fuck!, she screamed, backing up against the wall.

“Now I must challenge you to a duel across time and space.”

“Please don’t shoot me!” she begged, limbs trembling like crazy.  
“What do you want? Tell me, and I’ll get it for you! We’ve got of top notch technology on this ship, I can show you where it is!”

“What I want, is to challenge you to a duel across time and space.”

Not having a clue what else to do, she decided to opt for the oldest trick in the book when it came to dealing with opponents

“What’s that over there?” she said, pointing to a spot behind him, and thankfully it worked. The metal man turned his attention away from her, giving her plenty of time to escape the room.

Legging it down the corridors in her blue silk nightdress, she wasn’t looking where she was going, and crashed into Rimmer, causing her to scream again.

“What are you doing up so early?” he said.

“There’s a thing in my room!” she cried.

“What?”

“There’s a thing in my room! And it’s got a gun!”

“Have you been having one of your bad dreams again?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at her and tucking a stray bit of hair behind her ear.

“Come and see for yourself!” she yelled at him.

“It’s probably just Kryten engaging in a spot of nocturnal cleaning,” he said, following her into the room. “I expect your beautifully vivid imagination made up the rest of it.”

“What you thought was a gun, was probably nothing more than a feather duster.”

“People don’t generally go around pointing feather dusters at people, Arnold.”

They entered he room, and the robot instantly turned his gun upon the two of them.

Sam squealed and jumped behind Rimmer.

“Oh, it’s you,” she heard the hologram say.

Peering tentatively round from behind him, she said, 

“You know this freak??”

“You kills my brother.”

“Hogey we have been through this a thousand times! No one on this ship killed your brother.”

“They did! They did!” 

“No they didn’t! Now bugger off and annoy someone else!” said the hologram angrily, snatching the gun out of the simulant’s hands, and throwing it out into the corridor.

“My gun!” wailed Hogey, running out into the corridor after it.

“Oh and Hogey?” 

The metal man turned back round to face Rimmer.

“If I find you anywhere near Sam ever again, I will disconnect your left leg and force it down your throat.”

“But who will challenge me to a duel across time and space?”

“Lister’s in the bunk room, I’m sure he’d be glad of some company right now.”

Sam watched as the metal freak went gallivanting off down the corridor with renewed enthusiasm.

“That was Hogey? That freak that you and Lister were talking about?”  
She grabbed one of her stuffed penguins and hugged it tightly.

“He’s perfectly harmless, Sam.”

“Was he perfectly harmless when he caused my accident?”

Rimmer struggled for an answer initially.

“Well he’s perfectly harmless when it comes to PURPOSELY hurting someone.”

“I don’t much like waking up and finding a freak in my bedroom, Arnold!” 

“I know, I know,” he said, soothingly.  
“But it won’t happen again.”

“What about his gun?”

“He’s never used it, Sam, I doubt if he even knows how to work it,” said the hologram approaching her.

“You’re arms almost healed,” he said, brushing his hand over it.

“Just a couple of little bruises left,” she smiled at him.

“How’s the pain today?” 

“It’s good.”

That made him happy. He knew that he’d never be able to forget what he’d done to her, but not having the evidence of it staring him in the face everyday would help him a great deal. It was a constant unpleasant reminder that he’d taken something so unbelievably precious and broken it.  
His mother had spent most of his childhood telling him he couldn’t be trusted with anything delicate or beautiful.

‘This is why you can’t have nice things, Arnold,’ her voice echoed in his head.

But her arm was almost healed, the bruises barely perceptible against the ivory hue of her skin.

And smeg did she look beautiful this morning. Well, she looked beautiful all the time, but there was something about seeing her with her bed hair and sleepy eyes that made him want to cuddle the living daylights out of her.

Well, I’m feeling a little less freaked out now,” she said.  
“Hopefully I’ll be able to get a couple more hours of sleep in.”

“Or.....” he said.

“Or?’ she replied, a smile appearing on her face.

“Well seeing as I’m here, and you’re awake....”

“Well get your arse in here then!” she said, giggling and throwing back the purple quilt.

“Oh god,” moaned Lister.  
“Oh god...kill me please.”

“Did you hear Miss Samantha this morning, sir?,” asked Kryten brightly as he marched into the room in preparation to set the table for breakfast.

“It sounded like she was having lots of fun!”

“She’s always havin fun, Kryten!”

“How do you mean, sir?”

“I mean will they ever stop?! It’s constant...it’s smeggin constant! They’re like bleedin rabbits!”

Kryten laid a gentle hand on Lister’s shoulder.

“Come on sir, you and I both know how much beer you got through last night. And you know hangovers make things seem ten times worse.”

“It’s not the smeggin hangover Kryten!” said Lister angrily, shaking the mechs hand off.

“This is about the fact that a dead guy is gettin more action than me! A dead guy?? How is that fair in the great scheme of things!?”

“I’m sensing a lot of bitterness from you this morning, sir.”

Kryten began to spray some air freshener about the place.  
The bunk room never smelt particularly pleasant the morning after one of Mr Lister’s binge drinking and kebab munching sessions.  
He could see the dirty plates stacked haphazardly on the table. 

“It’s just a bad day alright, Kryte’s.”

But that didn’t even begin to sum the day up.  
Lister’s heart ached, dreadfully, and there was no known cure for that. None that could be found in a medicine bottle at any rate. So in the end, he had turned to a different kind of bottle, which had done absolutely nothing except add an aching head and a vague sicky feeling to the emotional hurt.

Crying was something he would not allow himself to do. Letting the crying in would just make the pain hurt more, he knew that.  
He had just wanted to drink so much that he couldn't feel anything anymore.  
He debated going back to bed, not even entirely sure why he had bothered to get up in the first place.  
His stomach was rumbling though.

“Kryten, Sam would like breakfast in bed this morning,” said Rimmer, striding into the bunk room.

“Certainly, Mr Rimmer. Will she be having the usual?”

“Some extra bacon with the pancakes, I think.”

“I’m on it sir! I just have to clear away these plates.”

“Well don’t be too long!”

“Hey, hang on a minute!” whined the Liverpudlian,  
“I put my order in first!”

“Mr Lister sir, it seems you are unaware of the common human phrase,  
“Ladies first.”

“But I’m starvin here Kryten! I haven’t even had my coffee yet! And I’ve got a bangin headache!”

“Sir!” said Kryten, with such an emphasis, his eyes almost popped out of his head.  
“You got through four kebabs last night!”

The mechanoid gestured at the plates in his hands.

“I’m sure you can let Miss Samantha go first!”

“Ladies first, my arse!” Lister shouted after him.  
“You just don’t want Rimer’s boot up your recharge socket! Coward! She can’t keep jumping the food queue!”

“Urgh,” said Rimmer, wrinkling up his nose.  
“He’s used the garden rose one again hasn’t he? I keep telling him I don’t like it. Mind you, it’s bound to be an improvement on what was here before.”

Lister banged his fist down on the table, and was just about to lay into Rimmer about the fact that he couldn’t care two hoots about the air freshener, when the hologram’s devastated cry stopped him.

“What the smeg?” said the man in blue as he picked up the remnants of a painted war figurine, which looked like it had been crushed under someone’s foot.

“Do you know anything about this?”

“Oh your soldier yeah, sorry about that. Somehow it made it’s way from your bedroom to the bottom of my foot and you know...accidents happen.”

“But that was my Admiral!”

‘Call it revenge,” said Lister bitterly.

“Revenge for what?” replied the older man, throwing the remnants of the soldier into the bin.

“For inflictin Hogey on me!” 

“I had no choice Lister! He was inflicting himself on Sam!!”

“Still not fair Rimmer! It took me ages to get rid of im!”

“Where’s he gone now?” asked the hologram, tweaking his H in the the mirror.

“I sent him off to annoy Cat.”

“Good enough.  
Are you alright, Listy? I’m sensing some bitterness from you this morning?” 

“Oh don’t you start! I’ve just got a hangover, ok?” he snapped.

“Alright, calm down! I was only enquiring about your welfare.”

“No you weren’t, Rimmer, you were lordin it over me.”

“Excuse me?” 

“You’re lordin your post-coital bliss all over me!”

Rimmer said nothing, but his facial expression seemed to be turning darker by the minute.  
He sat down at the table and stared fiercely at the other man.

“Are you jealous, Lister?”

“No, I am not smeggin jealous, ok!” barked the other man.

“Fine!” said Rimmer, holding his hands up.  
“I need to make Sam a coffee anyway.

I thought you were ok with the whole ‘Sam and Me’ thing. You were really happy for me that night we ‘you know’ for the first time.”

“Yeah well...today’s a different day. And please drop that bleedin grin every time you look at her will ya? I’m seein teeth I’ve never seen before!”

Tears pricked at the scousers eyes, but he blinked them away furiously. He would not let Rimmer see him cry. He had his pride after all...what little was left of it. 

‘He’s your best friend, Lister, and you’re actually seriously considering punching him in the face aren't you? All because he’s found the happiness that you want so desperately?’

He knew how immature his thoughts and behaviour were, but for the time being he felt powerless to do anything about it. The gloom had penetrated his soul, and didn’t seem like it was going to shift in a hurry. Maybe tomorrow he could start behaving like an adult again...but not today...today was too hard. Today was about wallowing in the land of misery.

“I’m not really up for talkin, Rimmer” he continued.

“Oh dear Listy, you are in a bad way today, aren’t you?”

Lister laid his head down on the table, it was suddenly feeling to heavy for his neck. The coffee smelt so good, nice and strong, just how he liked it.

“I’ll have one of those as well,” he said, his voice slightly muffled where his head was buried in his hands.

“You’ve got legs haven’t you?”

“So has Sam.”

“She didn’t obliterate my admiral,” said the hologram, getting the milk out of the fridge.

“Hngh,” grunted Lister.

He raised his head when he heard Sam come into the room.

She rushed straight up to her lover for a kiss, but he pulled away from her and nodded his head in Lister’s direction. 

‘Great,’ thought the man at the table  
‘Now I’m a charity case.’

It had been a surprisingly thoughtful act of Rimmer’s. The Rimmer of the past wouldn’t have cared a single toss about being sensitive towards Lister, or anyone else in fact. The scouser assumed it was down to Sam’s influence.

‘Was he really being thoughtful though, Lister? Or was he being patronising?”

He strongly suspected the latter now he came to think about it.  
Sure, Sam had made an impression on the hologram, but Rome wasn’t built in a day.

“What are you doing here? I was going to bring this to you!” said Rimmer.

“I guess I was missing you too much.”  
She cast a quick eye in Lister’s direction.  
“Both of you...I was missing both of you too much.”

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Lister attempt to smile.

“But I’ve told Kryten you wanted breakfast in bed!” 

“I’ve already eaten it, I met Kryten in the hallway.”

Rimmer raised an eyebrow and checked his watch.

“It takes Kryten roughly ten minutes to prepare his extra special pancakes, which means,” he checked his watch again,

“You polished them off in less than three minutes?”

“Yeah,” she replied nonchalantly.”

“In a corridor?”

“Yeah.” 

“Do you know? I don’t know why I’m even surprised,” he said, passing her coffee to her.

She took it and approached Lister.

“Hey Dave, how’s it going,” she asked.  
“I can make you a coffee if you like?  
Or maybe some tea?  
You know, sometimes I like a hot chocolate in the morning...”

Her voice gradually faded out in Lister’s ears, as he got a good clear shot of her ship issue dressing gown.

“Where did you get that?” he asked in a low voice.

“Oh this? I found it on the floor in one of the women’s bunk rooms, I don’t know where my pink fluffy one’s gone”

Suddenly Lister was up and in her face, so close she could smell the lager on his breath.

“Take it off! Take it off right now! You don’t get to wear it! Take it off!”

In an instant he found himself shunted up against the wall.

“Get the smeg off me Rimmer!”  
Lister began shoving at his opponents shoulders.

Sam backed off from the two of them, almost as if she were in danger of being hit herself.  
She couldn’t deny the fact that Dave had scared her a little, she’d never seen him that angry. Even now his face was almost red with his rage. She just couldn’t understand how an item of clothing could do that to someone, it didn’t make any sense to her. His irrationality had shocked her to the core. It wasn’t that she thought he’d strike her if Rimmer hadn’t intervened, she knew him well enough to know that he wasn’t that kind of man. But having someone yell in your face was never a nice experience, especially if that person had the worst kind of morning breath you’d ever encountered.

‘Nice one, Sam, you’ve proper gone and done it now.’

But what exactly had she done?

“You don’t ever use that tone of voice with Sam!” yelled Lister’s former bunkmate.  
“I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you this morning, but that was well out of order! You know how sensitive she is!”

“Oh and what about me, Rimmer? What about my feelings?”

“What are you blathering about?”

“Look at the initials on her dressing gown!”

The hologram turned his face in Sam’s direction.

‘K.K’ was clearly stitched in blue thread.

Rimmer paused momentarily.

“She doesn't know, Lister.”

“What do you mean, she doesn’t’ know?”

“She doesn’t know about Kochanksi!”

“Well why the hell haven’t you told her?”

“Because it’s your business not ours!”

“Oh that’s just great that is! Now get your smeggin face outta mine before I lamp ya.”

The hologram leaned back momentarily.

“Are you actually threatening me, Lister?”

“Maybe,” said the scouser, who felt like he was losing control of his senses by the minute.

“You realise that that would be a rather stupid idea on your part, don’t you?”

“I’m not too bothered actually Rimmer, as long as I get to at least blacken the smeg out of one of your eyes, you can you do whatever the hell you want to me.”

Rimmer leaned close into Lister’s face again.

“Don’t tempt me.”

“Will you please just fucking stop!”

Both men turned their heads in Sam’s direction.

“Stop fighting! You’re supposed to be grown men! Start bloody acting like it! Arnold, put him down!  
This whole thing is my fault anyway,” she finished, beginning to get emotional.

Rimmer moved to her side.

“I didn’t know Arnold, I didn’t know,” she kept whispering to him.

Seeing the state of his little angel made him want to break both of Lister’s legs.  
She’d made such progress in the ‘not being so afraid of men,’ department, and he was terrified  
that this would set her back to square one. 

‘This could be it, Rimmer. This afternoon you’ll discover her hiding in the toilets with the worst kind of panic attack there is, refusing to even let you approach her.’

That thought made him even angrier.

“It’s not your fault,” he said soothingly as he kissed her on the head.  
“Just go and find a different one, ok?”

“Just please promise me you won’t fight!?”

“We won’t,” said Rimmer, giving the scouser a filthy look.

“No,” said Lister, treating the hologram to one of his own filthy looks.  
“We won’t.”

She nodded, and walked slowly past Lister.  
As she passed him she said quietly, 

“I’m really sorry, Dave.” 

Lister’s cheeks flooded with shame as he caught the scent of her floral perfume.

‘She’s a delicate flower, Lister. Someone who’d never hurt anyone.  
And you just yelled in her face,’ he thought.  
‘You’re a disgustin man, no wonder you’ve ended up all alone.

“You know, you’re lucky she’s so forgiving,” said Rimmer, his face set like stone.

“Oh nice one Rimmer yeah! Just pile a load of smeggin guilt on me as well why don’t you!”

“I think I’ll take my leave then, before I get lamped in the face.  
Oh and take a shower Lister, you stink to high heaven.”

“You don’t even know what day it is, do you?” said Lister as Rimmer passed him.

The hologram turned round to face him.

“It’s Tuesday.”

“It’s Kochanksi’s birthday,” said Lister sourly.

Rimmer grimaced.  
He’d forgotten. The day of the year that was always complete hell for his friend, and he’d completely forgotten.

‘Far too caught up in your own happiness, Rimmer,’ he thought to himself.

“I’m sorry Listy,” he said weakly  
“I should have remembered.”

“Why should you, man?,” said Lister, as he jumped up onto his bunk, his anger now dissipating a little, courtesy of the holograms apology.  
“You’ve got enough going on in your life right now.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t care, you smeg head!” said Rimmer, taking a seat at the table.

“Oh I wish I hadn’t drunk so much last night,” moaned Lister, pulling a roll up out of one of his pockets and lighting it.  
Something Rimmer hadn’t seen him do in a long time. Normally he would have complained, but now wasn’t the time.

“You’re always drinking too much, Lister.”

“Yeah but usually for recreation you know? Not depression. I don’t know why I get so emotionally invested in this stupid day! She’s been dead for over three million years! I need to move on...I’m pathetic.”

Rimmer knew full well that Lister’s binge drinking was rarely for recreational reasons, and he didn’t know why, even after all these years, the man seemed intent on keeping up with the ridiculous charade.  
The scouser had a lot of holes in his life that needed filling, and lager just happened to be the perfect fit. He could seriously benefit from some counselling sessions with Snacky. True, he was pretty smegging hopeless as a psychologist, but it was either the snack machine or Holly, he knew which one he’d pick.  
Now didn't seem an appropriate time to make that suggestion though.

“Well this is a strange dynamic,” he said, folding his arms across his chest and looking a tad smug.

“What?” Lister’s face screwed up.

“Isn’t it normally me that’s having the pity party.”

“Smeg off Rimmer!”

“I’m just trying to say that there’s no point in feeling sorry for yourself, it’s not going to change anything, is it?”

“I know, it’s just a difficult day that’s all.”

“I know,” replied the hologram affectionately.

“Is it ok to come in?” asked a small voice from the doorway.

“Course it is, Sam,” said Lister.

“I found this one, I hope it’s ok?”

This time the monogram read

‘Y.M’

Lister rolled his eyes, and Rimmer slowly shook his head from side to side.

“I’ve done it again haven’t I??”

“It’s fine, darling,” Rimmer reassured her.

“I’m really sorry Sam. It’s just...Krissy Kochanski was a woman who worked on this ship, and I cared about her a lot.”

“K.K,” she said, with slow realisation, smacking her palm against her forehead.

“It’s her birthday today,” said Rimmer.

“Oh fuck Dave, that sucks.”

“Yeah, it does,” said Lister.  
“Do you wanna bum my smoke?” he asked, noticing the eager look in her eyes.

“A couple of drags would see me fine,” she said as she approached him.

“Perfect, so you’re both going to stink me out now?!”  
His tone was a gentle one though.

“So did you and Kochanski have unfinished business?”

“Yeah, you could say that.”  
Lister took a deep draw on his cigarette.

“I suppose I just wish I could see her again.”

“Lister, with all respect, you have technically seen her since her death, and nothing’s ever really gone to plan has it?”

Lister and Kochanksi were badly suited in Rimmer’s opinion. They were just too different, had different goals in life, different aspirations. Krissy Kochanski wanted to go places in her space career.  
Lister’s main aim was to see how many different things you could pair with a vindaloo.

It was hardly a match made in heaven.

“It’ll be different this time. I know exactly what I want to say to her. I’m not gonna mess it up!” He  
jumped down to stub his fag out in the ash tray on the table.

“There’s so much I wanna say to her,” he said sadly,  
“And if I ever got the chance, believe me, I would!”

“Was she pretty?” asked Sam, sitting down on Rimmer’s lap.

“Pretty?” 

A grin lit up Lister’s face as he took a seat at the table.

“She was absolutely gorgeous. Stunnin chestnut hair that always shined. Eyes that were both enchanting and mysterious, you know?.....And her pinball smile.”

“I don’t understand what that means.”

“It means she had a smile that lit up her face, lit up entire rooms in fact.”

“She sounds beautiful,” said Sam, resting a hand on his.

“Yeah well, there you go,” he rubbed his face, and pondered for a bit, almost as if he couldn’t decide what to do with himself. 

“I think I’m gonna go chill in the observatory for a bit,” he said eventually.  
“I’ll catch you guys later.”

“That’s so sad, Arnold,” said Sam, after Lister had left.

“I know.”

‘I don’t understand you two, last week you were the best of friends, and now you hate each other!”

“We don’t hate each other, Sam, we’ve always been like this. When you’ve been cooped up together for as long as he and I have, your relationship develops certain quirks. Sometimes good...sometimes bad.  
I always believe honesty is the best policy, in most situations, and we try our best to always be truthful with each other.

He paused for a minute.

“Sam there’re something I need to...”

“Shut up shut up!” she said, diving off his lap.  
“I have just had the most perfect idea!”

“Okay,” said Rimmer slowly.

“Ok so the ship can only sustain one hologram right?”

“I’m not sure I like where this is going, Sam.”

“Don’t you remember that huge update you did last month? The one which means your software now uses power more effectively?”

She began to fidget about, a sure sign that she was getting overexcited.  
He knew her body language like the back of his hand.

“Yes, I remember.”

“I reckon you could figure out a way to get Kochanski and you running at the same time.”

“Are you serious? Why would I even want to do that?”

“For Dave, dummy! Think how happy it would make him if he could see her again!”

“He’ll just mess it up like he always does,” said Rimmer, waving his hand.

“Maybe...but doesn’t he deserve one more chance?”

“Sam..”

“Ooh it could be so romantic! They could have dinner together, watch a film, maybe snuggle up on the couch!”

Rimmer grabbed her hands,

“Allow me to bring you back to the land of reality, it won’t happen like that. She’ll refuse him and then he’ll go into a month long sulk.”

“Please Arnold,” she said.  
“I really wanna make up for this morning.”

He took her head in his hands.

“Why is it so incredibly hard to say no to you?”

“Because I’m pretty,” she joked, fluttering her eyelashes at him.

“Well, I can’t argue with that,” he said, smiling tenderly at her.

“I’ll think about it”

“Yay!” she clenched her fists in excitement.  
“That means yes!”

“No, it means I’ll think about it.”

“Which always means yes!”

She grabbed him round the neck and kissed him.

“Now, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?”

“Ah yes, sit down. I need to talk to you about last week.”

“Arnold, I told you, Steve isn’t in my head anymore, please don't put him back there,” she said, and all at once he could see her limbs tense up.

“It’s not about him, it’s about you.”

“Go on,” she said tentatively.

“I saw you...I saw you as a little girl.”

“Ummm...ok”

“And as a teenager.”

“Ok...but how? I was back in the original timeline.”

“Holly was trying to patch you through to us and, well you know what Holly’s like,  
My age went back in time and well...so did yours.”

“Wait, how old was I as a kid?”

“About six I should say.”

“Six! That’s messed up! Why didn’t you tell me this straight away? Were you worried you wouldn’t get your leg over?!”

“That’s unfair, Sam.”

“Well I’m sorry but you’ve kept something from me, and that’s made me feel a bit effed up if I’m honest.”

“Look,” he said, taking her hand in his and leading her back to the table.

“I knew that telling you about the rape was far more important. I said to myself that I would tell you about the rest later on that evening, but then you decided that you wanted to have sex. Would that not have been a giant mood killer?”

She could see his point.

“Yeah it would actually...cos it’s pretty fucking creepy.”

“How do you think it was for me??”

“That was a week ago though, Arnold. There’s been plenty of opportunities to tell me since then.”

He tried to look as innocent as possible.

“I forgot.”

“As if??? You just didn’t want anything to mess up your shagging sessions!!” she said cheekily, running a gentle finger across his palm.

“Maybe,” he said, looking guilty.  
“Come on Sam, you know yourself how much time we’ve got to make up for?”

“Did you talk to me?”

“When?”

“When you saw me as a kid?”

“I didn’t know it was you to start with, at least I don’t think I did. We talked about the sorts of things adults talk to children about. But you knew me, Sam, you knew exactly who I was. You wouldn’t leave my side, Lister had to come and drag you away.”

“Aww, that would be really sweet, if it wasn't as messed up as it is.”

“And you knew me as a a teenager as well.”

“Ooh, did I have that really bad paint job in my hair?”

“Yes you did.”

“Did I give you loads of abuse?”

“To begin with. Until you realised that I wasn’t just some man...that I was someone you knew.”

“Hmm,” she said thoughtfully.

“I was a fit teenager though, right?”

“I’m not even going to answer that question.”

“Yeah, it’s probably better that you don’t,” she said, moving to sit on his lap.

“You know, I really didn’t like you young.”

“Are you saying I’m old?”  
She couldn’t tell if there was a hint of jest there or not.

“YoungER,” she corrected herself.

“I still don’t understand why,” 

“It’s hard to explain. You just, didn’t look like my Arnold. I mean don’t get me wrong, your hair was awesome back then but...but it was something about your face. It seemed almost empty...do you get what I mean?”

“Not really no.”

“That’s because you’re a man,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“Excuse me? How would me being a woman aid my comprehension of this situation?”

“You just didn’t look right, Arnold, ok? And maybe I find wrinkles attractive?

“Are you saying I’ve got wrinkles?”

“Only like four billion of them!” 

“Four billion? You’ve been counting them have you?”

“Maybe,” she said, and then let out a squeal as he tickled her stomach.

Cat interrupted their frolicking though, looking like he had just been dragged through a hedge backwards. His usually immaculate clothes were covered in what looked like mud, and his hair was a frenzied mess.

“I got a bone to pick with someone around here!”


	2. Chapter 2

“I’m booooooooooored!” said Sam, as she sat on the table in the holo-suite, kicking her heels against the wall.

“Sam, you’re not doing much to help my concentration.” 

Her lover was currently engrossed in trying to find a way to resurrect Kochanksi.

“I thought this would be fun...but you’re just pushing buttons and shit.”

He looked round at her.

“Exactly which part of it did you think would be fun?”

“I dunno, smoke, bright lights...noises. I didn’t realise it would just be you typing on a keyboard.”

“Sam, this is a holographic projection suite, not the special effects department of a Hollywood blockbuster!!”

“Hmmm...it’s gonna be cool when she gets here isn’t it though? The materialising bits awesome, I always love that bit.”

“Darling, I need to concentrate on what I’m doing, so can you please stop kicking your heels against the wall!”

She ceased kicking her heels, and stuck her tongue out at him instead.

“I saw that.”

“What the hell!? You’ve got your back to me!?”

“Call it a holographic super power.”

She smiled. Things were so much better between them now that they had finally managed to consummate their relationship. She herself was cured completely, no longer feeling like a rape victim. He had saved her from that, just as he seemed to save her from everything. There also hadn’t been a single argument in over a week. They had pretty much been doing it non stop though, and she wasn’t entirely sure if that was healthy...but it was working out pretty good for them so far.

“Alright dudes?”

Holly’s face appeared on the nearby screen.

“Hi Hol,” said Sam.

“Hey Sam. What you up to there, Arnold? Can I help?”

“After the catastrophe you caused last week? No Holly, you’re the last person I’d ask for help.”

“Look I’ve said I’m sorry! What more can I do?”

“You can make me not regret re-enabling you.”

“Fair enough. I’ll just keep quiet then. I’ll be the silent observer.”

“Thank you!”

A few moments passed.

“That’s a nice jumper you’ve got on, Sam.”

Rimmer thumped his hand down on the keyboard.

“How is that keeping quiet?!”

“I was talking to Sam, not you.”

“Give me strength,” said the hologram, grimacing.

“Aww thanks Holly. My mum got it for me, she knows how much I love purple!”

“It suits you. My favourite colours always been black.”

“Thats a bit depressing, Hol.”

“Sam?!”

“What?” she turned to look at her disgruntled sex partner.

“Stop encouraging him!”

“I’m not!”

“Yes you are! You’re encouraging him to talk rubbish!”

“We’re just having a convo, Arnold.”

“Well, can you please go and have it elsewhere?”

“No way,” she said firmly.  
“This was my idea, it’s my project. I’m seeing it through!”

“Right, then he goes!”

“But I haven’t done anything!” protested the computer.

“You best do as he says Hol,” said Sam, rolling her eyes.  
“We’ll catch up again, later.”

“Alright then, don’t forget though, I’ve got some fun facts to share with you, I’ve been reading up about crop circles...did you know that every single...”

“HOLLY!!”

“Righto, see you later,.”  
The computer’s face instantly disappeared from view.

“Jesus, Arnold, you didn’t have to be quite so aggressive!”

“Sam,” he said patiently, turning to face her.

“If doing this for Lister means as much to you as you say it does, then you have to let me concentrate. And that means not making any noise, ok?”

“Ok,” she said.

He glanced down at her legs, which had started to swing again.

She stilled them.

“Ok,” she repeated, with a bit of attitude.

“Right.”

Five minutes passed...then ten...and by the fifteenth mark Sam couldn’t take it any longer.

“Arnold...Don’t get mad!” 

“It’s just I’ve been thinking. As I’m sort of the founder of this project, I should be working on delegating. So, I’ve made a very important managerial decision.”

“Which is?”

“You’re going to stay here and do this while I go and play ‘Super Mario Brothers’ with Cat.”

“I think that is an excellent managerial decision, Miss Simpson.”

“Sweet!” she said, and kissed him fully on the lips.

“Call me when she’s ready!”

“I will,” said Rimmer with a smile on his face.

He’d known she wouldn’t last more then twenty minutes.  
At least now he had some peace and quiet to fully concentrate on what he was doing.

“Here, chuck us the controller, Cat!” said Sam, as she entered the bunk room.

“You wanna play two player?”

“Sure do.”

He passed it to her.

“Where’s Dave at?” she asked.

‘No idea. You gonna play Luigi, or what?”

“Yeah.”

“There’s somethin I want you to know, Sammy,” said Cat, after fifteen or so minutes of gameplay.

“Ummm ok,”

‘Please don’t declare your undying love for me,” she thought.  
Rimmer had informed her of the feline’s bizarre romantic notions back in the alternate timeline. She hoped that all his feelings had been left back there.

“We’re friends, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I just wanted you to know that you can talk to me about stuff, you know?”

“I know.”

“It’s just,” his tone changed suddenly from it’s usual highly spirited one, to one that was a lot more emotional.

“I always seen you talkin to monkey man or eraser head whenever you got problems with goal-post head or whatever.  
But you know, you can talk to me too?”

“I ain’t as stupid as everybody makes out you know?  
“I could probably help you out sometimes!”

‘He really means that,’ she thought.  
This was a side of the animal that the others either couldn’t, or chose not to see. But the more she had got to know him, the more she had seen his depth of character begin to emerge. They used to hang out and talk a lot, but since she had become closer to Rimmer, she had drifted apart from Cat. He clearly missed the time they used to spend together. They had a special friendship, one that the other crew members would never understand.

“Hey Cat, I’ve got an idea,  
I want some new Lingerie, something really sexy. Could you help me with that sometime?”

Cat’s eyes lit up like strobe lights.

“For sure baby! You just come to me when you’re ready and I’ll fix you right up! It’ll be a whole lot moe fun than stitchin monkeyman’s old boots back together for him.”

He paused for a moment 

“You know come to think of it, I think he said he was goin down to the bar.”

“The bar???  
Lister??”

“Yeah, I think that’s what he said.”

“Cat! You should have told me straight away! You should have...

She stopped short when she saw the look on his face, and decided that she just couldn’t be that cruel, especially given the sympathetic mood he was in.

“I mean..thanks Cat, you’ve really helped.”

“I have?”

“Yes! You’ve helped me make sure that Lister doesn’t ruin his big surprise!”  
Sam legged it out the door.

“I knew I was good at helpin,” Cat said to himself with a satisfied smile, as he turned his attention back to the gameplay.

“Put the beer bottle down this instant, David Lister!”

“What?”

The man looked just as awful as he had done at breakfast time, and still reeked of booze and garlic.

“Please don’t get drunk!”

“Why the hell not?!”

“Because...” she said slowly, coming into the room.  
“There’s something that you really need to be sober for this evening.”

“Oh yeah, what?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Well I don’t see why I can’t get hammered then, he said, raising the bottle to his lips.

“Stop! Please! Look...” she sat down at the table with him.  
“It’s a surprise, ok.”

He set the bottle down.  
“Sam, I’m not mad on surprises.”

“I know, but you’ll like this one, I know you will!”

He tried to object, but the excitement on her face prevented him from being able to. He pushed the beer bottle away from him.

“How many have you had?” she asked him.

“That was my first one,” he said.

“Really?”

“Yep, haven’t touched a drop. I’ve just been nursin it, sat here alone with me thoughts.”

“Why down here though? What’s wrong with the bunk room?”

“Cat was determined to play his stupid Mario game, and I wanted some peace and quiet.”

“To wallow?” she asked.

“To wallow,” he confirmed.

“Ok first thing’s first,” she said briskly,  
“Mario is not stupid, and secondly, I’m gonna need you to spruce yourself up a bit.”

“Sam I’m really not...”

“That means having a shower and putting on some clean clothes. And make sure you put loads of deodorant on as well,” she said, pulling a face.  
She’d never in her whole life discovered someone with such a pungent body odour.

She found herself suddenly wondering what Arnold would have smelt like if he were still alive. Fresh and clean more than likely, given his personality.  
It was always strange though, getting it on with someone who literally smelled of nothing. It was a bit of a mind fuck in actual fact, as sex could often be a somewhat strong smelling activity, what with all the sweat and the bodily fluids. But that was just it, he didn’t sweat either, and that still seemed to be taking her a while to get used to.

“No way!” said Lister, shaking his head vehemently  
“I’ve just told you Sam, today is a day for wallowin! I don’t mind cuttin back on the lager, but there’s no way I’m gettin dressed up to the nines!”

“Dave! Today is a day for looking smart!”

He sighed,

“Look Sam, I really don’t see the point...”

“Besides, you owe me,” she said interrupting him.

“For what?”

“Don’t you remember what happened the day before yesterday?”

Lister shook is hangover ridden head.

“The incident involving your coffee and one of Arnold’s ‘Classic Car’ magazines?”

“Oh,” said Lister, as the memory came rushing back to him.

“I covered for you, but I could very easily go and tell him it was you who did it.”

Lister panicked slightly.

“Oh god Sam please don’t! It was the Jaguar special and everything!”

“Mmhmm,” she nodded smiling.

“Oh smeg. He’ll be bangin on at me about it for weeks, and that’s the last thing I need right now!  
Ok, I’ll get meself dressed up.”

“Good,” she smiled sweetly.  
She knew just how ornery her husband could get when it came to his magazines. Well, when it came to any of his stuff really. She was surprised that Lister had got off so easily regarding the crushed Admiral incident. It was one of her lovers more adorable traits in her opinion. Well, that and the fact that he truly believed the other crew members saw him as their superior. Kryten had unfortunately been programmed to serve the highest ranking member of the ship, and so he had more or less no choice when it came to obeying the mans’ commands. It was always fun seeing the mechanoid rebel from time to time though.

“Did you get into trouble?” continued Lister,  
“I saw the way he carried you out of the room. I hope he wasn't too hard on yer?”

“Nah we just had sex, and he wasn’t particularly bothered about the magazine after that.”

“Good distraction method. Look, I really am happy for you guys, you know? I’m sorry I wasn’t really showin it this mornin.  
And I’m so sorry about yellin at yer.”

“You were a bear with a sore head alright, but we all have days like that,” she took his hand in hers across the table.

“How does it feel now you’ve ‘you know’?” he said.

“We haven’t had an argument since, although it is still early days.”

“Nah I can tell the atmosphere between you two is different, it’s much calmer. There’re no more knife cutting tension.”

“I guess sex is a good fixer,” she smiled.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Anyway,” she said getting up from the table.

“I want to see you in the bunk room at five o clock tonight, no later! And make sure you stay away from there today!”

“Sam, how am I gonna have a shower if I can’t use the bunk room?”

“Use mine and Arnolds.”

“Yes Miss!” said Lister, performing a comical salute.

He groaned as he watched her leave. He had been planning on going back to bed, and now he had to fart about making himself look presentable for what was undoubtably going to be a birthday party in Kochanksi’s honour. Kryten was probably working on the cake at this very moment, Sam and Cat had probably started putting decorations up, and Rimmer...well Rimmer was probably doing what he did best. Overseeing and bossing everyone around.

It wasn’t that he was ungrateful, he just really didn’t see why he had to make such an effort.  
He did have a quick sniff of his underarms though, and almost knocked himself out with the stench. Maybe it was time for a freshen up.

He glanced at his watch, he was good for a while yet. He threw the beer bottle into the bin and began rolling himself a cigarette.

“Mr Rimmer sir! I wondered where you had got to?”

Rimmer rolled his eyes, he didn’t have much more left to do, but it was apparently far too much to expect him to be able to finish it in peace.

“What is it, Kryten?” he asked impatiently, without turning round.

“I hear that you’re planning a surprise for Mr Lister. Am I to assume from what you’re doing in here, that it’s going to be a holographic resurrection of Miss Kochanski?”

“Don’t even bother trying to talk me out of it, Kryten, because it wasn’t my idea in the first place, it was Sam’s.

“Quite the opposite sir, I think it’s a wonderful idea.”

“You do?” 

“Most definitely!! It will be good for Mr Lister to say what he really needs to say to her. I’m sure it will provide him with the closure he needs.”

“Kryten, What makes you think he won’t mess it up again?”

“Mr Lister has matured somewhat over the years, not by much I’ll grant you, but enough to know that he needs to make a little more of his life, instead of playing video games all day long.”

“Well,” said Rimmer, raising his eyebrows.  
“I just hope you’re right.”

“Do you require any assistance here, sir?” 

“Yes I do,” 

Kryten beamed at that, it had been a while since he had had the opportunity to engage in anything related to holographic science, and he always found it such a fascinating subject. Unfortunately though, as Rimmer’s knowledge had increased over the years, the mech had become more or less redundant when it came to the holo-suite.

“Where would you like me, sir?”

“In the kitchen please, I’d like you to bake a batch of your extra special jam tarts for Sam, using the heart shaped cutter.

Kryten grimaced.

“Oh and this as well,” added the hologram

Wearing the widest grin that Kryten had ever seen on the man, Rimmer scrawled on a piece of paper, folded it up, and handed it to the mechanoid.

“And if you even think about reading...” 

“I know sir, I know!” said, Kryten clomping out of the room.

“Damn these Jam tarts are good,” said Cat with a mouth full.  
He’d long ago got bored with Mario, and the golden crumbly pasty, and sweet fruity jam were more than enough to hold his attention for the time being.  
He’d discovered them after returning from his toilet break.

“Why would Kryten be making heart shaped tarts for you?” asked Holly.

“Beats me! Maybe he’s finally learned to appreciate my good looks.”

“They certainly look tasty,” said Holly.

“Hey look, there’s a note here too,” said Cat.

“What’s it say?”

“It says,” Cat squinted at the paper.

“Thanks again for this morning....  
Damn! Whoever wrote this needs to learn how to write! There’s way too many loops and squiggles! Oh well!”  
He chucked the note on the floor, and helped himself to another tart.

“Mr Cat!” shouted Kryten, bustling into the bunk room.

“These tarts were for Miss Samantha!”

“Well how the hell was I supposed to know that!”

“You can’t just help yourself to a plate of baked goods without asking! They’re from Mr Rimmer to Miss Samantha. Did the heart shape not give that away!”

“I thought you were complimenting my fashion choice today!”

Cat gestured down at his outfit, which was indeed rather striking. It was a purple velvet two piece dotted with elegant tassels and shimmery rhinestones.

“And where’s the note that was with them??”

“He threw it on the floor,” said Holly.

“Ooh,” fussed Kryten scouring the floor for said note.

Eventually he found it, by Cats shoe.

“Please tell me you did not read this!?”

“I couldn’t read it! The writing’s too damn bad!”

Kryten stuffed the note under the three remaining tarts, and stomped out of the room carrying the plate with him.

“Well that was fun,” said Holly, with his usual mundane inflection.

Not having any clue about Miss Samantha’s whereabouts, Kryten decided it would be best to leave the plate of confectionary in her and Rimmer’s bedroom.  
As he entered the room, he heard the shower running. 

‘Perfect,’ he thought.  
‘She’ll discover them when she comes out!’  
He brushed his hands together with glee, and marched off out of the room.

Surprisingly Lister was actually enjoying his shower. Somehow, letting the powerful jets of water rush over his hair and body, had made him feel totally refreshed and renewed.

‘Maybe I should have one more often,’ he thought.

One thing was for sure though, Sam and Rimer’s shower knocked socks off the one in the bunk room, which was usually a slowly trickling stream of ice cold unpleasantness.

Stepping out of the bathroom with one of Sam’s pink towels wrapped around his middle [and only just fitting] he noticed a plate of jam tarts on the bed side table.

“Aww Sam,” he said out loud.  
“You didn’t have to.”

Baked goods in a heart shape, it was typically Sam. He naturally assumed that the dainty blonde had made them for him in an effort to keep his spirits up. Picking one up, he noticed the note on the plate.

He opened it up.

‘Thank you for this morning,’ he read aloud.  
“I especially enjoyed the...” he squinted his eyes in the same manner that Cat had not moments before.

“Smeg Sam, your writin’s a bit fancy schmancy.

And what was she referring to about that morning? Maybe the chat they’d had about Kochanksi?Maybe she appreciated him being truly honest about everything?  
Then there was the pleasant chat they’d had in the bar, although that had been more like midday.

“Well, it’s the thought that counts,” he said, tossing the note in the bin and beginning to munch on one of the jam tarts. It tasted so good that he scoffed another one down as well, leaving just one left on the plate. 

He attacked his armpits with a barrage of ‘24 hour fresh’ anti-deodorant, and picked up the leather jacket that was laying on the bed. It was the best one in his opinion, as it had the least amount of curry stains on it.  
He finished the look of with a semi smart pair of leather trousers, and one of his least foul smelling boots.

Looking himself up and down in the mirror, he felt oddly confident. Ok, he was no Hollywood pin up, but he scrubbed up ok...sometimes...when he made a real effort.

He pulled a few poses in the mirror.

“Well, I’ve made the effort, Sam,” he said,  
“I sure hope you guys appreciate it.”

He glanced at his watch, it was only half past three. Having been banned from the bunk room until five o clock, he was unsure of what to do with himself. In the end he decided it might be good to have a little nap, just to make sure he was bright eyed and bushy tailed for the party.  
He momentarily considered Sam and Rimmer’s bed, but the knowledge of how much action had been going on in it over the last week caused him to think again. He’d go and take a nap on Cat’s bed instead. The feline was busy gaming, so Lister figured he’d get a good hour or so’s kip. Settling down on the soft bed and making himself comfortable, he very quickly drifted off into a deep sleep.

“How’s it going?” asked Sam from the doorway of the holo-suite

“Just about ready,” said Rimmer.

“Good. I’ve told Dave to doll himself up.”

“Good luck with that.”

“No, I think he actually might, I fluttered my eyelashes at him and everything.”

“Well, no man in the universe can resist that.”

“And I’ve prepared the bunk room.”

“Prepared it how?”

“Oh you know,” she said, fidgeting about a bit.

“A few scatter cushions from our room, some love heart confetti.”

Rimmer shook his head from side to side in amazement.

“Come and sit with me for a bit.”

She took up residence on his lap.

“Do you know there’s not a thing you do that doesn’t make me love you more and more each day?”

“That’s because I’m simply irresistible,” she said pouting at him.

“Mmm, and you always smell irresistible as well,” he said, inhaling the skin on her neck.  
“That’s the honey and vanilla body mist, isn’t it?”

“I know it’s your favourite,” she said, grinning at him.

“It certainly is,” he replied, as he began to kiss her neck.

Her sex drive was still running ridiculously high, despite the amount of sex they’d been having.

“Don’t do that, Arnold,” she complained.  
“You’re just gonna make me horny, and we haven’t got time to screw right now.”

“Did you enjoy them by the way?” he asked, kissing her ear, completely ignoring her plea to stop. 

“Enjoy what?

“The tarts.”

“What tarts?”

He pulled back from her and said,

“I am going to kill him.”

“Kill who?”

“Kryten that’s who! I asked him to make you some jam tarts and he’s obviously gone and smegging forgotten!”

“Alright, chill out, they’re only jam tarts. Maybe he just hasn’t had a chance yet,” she said, stroking the side of his face.

“But I wrote you a note as well!”

“Well, what did it say?”

“I’m not telling you, you have to read the note, that’s the whole point! My god, if he’s lost it...”

“He won’t have lost it, Arnold, you know how organised Kryten is. He’s probably stashed it away  
in his groinal compartment.”

“I hope you’re right,” said the hologram heatedly.

“I’m always right,” she said, kissing the tip of his nose.

“So, Kochanski’s coming through as hard-light, and you get the stay the same?”

“Correct. Although she won’t be functioning at optimum level.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that she won’t have hard-light strength. Only one of us can have that and there’s no way I’m trusting her with it.”

“You’re not painting a brilliant picture of her, Arnold.”

“Put it this way, Sam, if I restored her completely, we’d probably end up discovering Lister with his head on back to front.”

‘They won’t fight,” said Sam assuredly. “It’s gonna be sweet and romantic. It’s going to be a perfect evening.”

“To be honest Sam, I don’t think they’ll be in each other’s company for more than five minutes. She’ll probably give him a good, hard slap round the face, and beg us to switch her off.

“You should have a little more faith in your friend,” she said soberly.

“You haven’t seen the messes he’s made of it in the past,” replied Rimmer.  
“I’m glad you’re alright by the way,”

“Huh?”

“I was really worried that Lister had frightened you.”

“Pfff! As if! I know Lister’s not the violent type.”

He looked hurt momentarily.

“But there was a time that you thought I was.”

She rolled her eyes,

“That’s completely different. Dave had pretty much implied to me that you were the terminator. And Dave, while he looks like a guy who could handle himself, I expect he’d bring on a heart attack if he tried to throw a punch.  
But I know you inside out now Arnold, and I trust you implicitly.  
Doesn’t that make up for it?”

“It does,” he smiled softly.  
“Now come on,” he said.  
“It’s time to see if what I’ve spent half the day programming is actually going to work.”

“Can I start calling you Holly if it doesn’t?” she asked cheekily.

“No you cannot,” he said, as he pushed the final button. 

Sam jumped off his lap and prepared herself for the spectacle.

As Kochanksi began to form, she could already see what Lister had meant when he had described her as beautiful.  
Gorgeously thick chestnut hair gave way to a pair of stunning blue eyes, which shimmered momentarily in the particles of sparkling light. The contrast of her hair, brightness and skin all flared up to high definition, making her image look sharper than ever. 

Sam breathed in wonder, it was no different to the way her lover had materialised in front of her the day he had half destroyed himself saving her life.

A dark red suit was now slowly unfurling, one that matched the glittery H on the woman’s head perfectly.

‘Damn, she’s pretty,’ thought Sam.  
‘And so unbelievably out of Dave’s league.’

She began to doubt the plan she had concocted.

Once fully formed, Kochanski took a moment to take in her surroundings, before fully focusing on Rimmer.

“My god, Arnold, you’ve gotten old. If it weren’t for the nostrils I probably wouldn’t even have recognised you!”

**Author's Note:**

> Kind comments extremely welcome. I would love to hear which part of the chapter you enjoyed the most <3


End file.
